Гандапас радислав биография: Биография Радислава Гандапаса — история успеха, видео

Радислав Гандапас: «Дети — главный ядерный реактор моей жизни»

Откровенно о воспитании детей, распределении обязанностей и источниках энергии в семье Радислава

Не так давно Радислав проводил тренинг в Кирове и дал интервью Евгении Марениной, арт-директору и Екатерине Сусловой,  главному редактору журнала «Бизнес Класс», говоря откровенно о воспитании детей, распределении обязанностей и источниках энергии в их семье.

«Детей, как пиявок, нужно поместить на тело, и пусть они там ползают» — Радислав Гандапас.

 

НЕЛЬЗЯ ЛЮБИТЬ РЕБЕНКА МОЛЧА

Евгения Маренина: — Радислав, как воспитывать детей, чтобы они выросли успешными людьми?

Радислав Гандапас: — Во-первых, их надо любить. Любовь — это не чувство, это действие. Поэтому любить ребенка молча нельзя. Он должен знать, что его любят. Знать, что у него есть опора, надежда, знать, что его родители не враги. И не Карабасы-Барабасы, которые дергают за веревочки, чтобы он танцевал под их дудку, а родители, которые его любят. Ребенку нужно дать это понять.

Екатерина Суслова: — Приведите конкретный пример из своей практики воспитания.

Р.Г.: — Например, укладывайте ребенка спать без реплик: «Иди бегом спи. Завтра рано вставать. Чтобы через 5 минут я тебя не слышал и не видел». Сядьте  на кровать, обнимите, поцелуйте его и скажите: «Я счастлив, что ты у меня есть. Не представляю своей жизни без тебя. Ты самый лучший ребенок. Я всегда мечтал о таком и т.д.» А если случилось что-то, говорите ему: «Я всегда на твоей стороне». Ребенок не должен бояться рассказать о том, что происходит в его жизни. Конечно, всего он в любом случае не расскажет. Но надо сделать так, чтобы он нес свои переживания в дом, а не из дома.

Е.М.: — Как вы познакомились со своей супругой?

Р.Г.: — Это удивительная история! Как-то я прилетел в Хабаровск, утром пошел прогуляться на берег Амура. И тут приходит смс-ка с неизвестного номера «Каталась на роликах, упала, очень больно». Спрашиваю: «Кто это?» А мне отвечают: «Ты что, подруг не узнаешь? Это Аня». Завязывается переписка, и я понимаю, что автор просто ошибся номером. Я, прикинувшись подругой, начинаю с ней переписку. Весь день мы виртуально общались. Вечером я позвонил, признался, что разыграл ее. Так мы познакомились.  

Е.С.: — Расскажите о своих детях, сколько их, чем они занимаются?

Р.Г.: — Старшему сыну Грише 16 лет. Он учится в международной школе, говорит на английском как на родном, на французском говорит легко, но ему кажется,что плохо. Будет скоро поступать в университет. Гриша, кроме прочего, занимается боксом. Особых успехов не сделал, но настойчивость, с которой он продолжает заниматься несмотря на отсутствие заметных успехов — это тоже факт успешности. Это способность в течение долгого времени идти к результату настойчиво, пусть даже нет никаких поощрений в виде медалей и грамот. Дочке Маше 9 лет. Она учится во 2 классе хорошей московской школы и занимается в школе олимпийского резерва по фехтованию.

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ПРОРУБЬ —ТО, ЧТО НУЖНО

Е.М.: — Спорт обязателен для ваших детей?

Р.Г.: — Да, я считаю это важнейшим фактором успеха. Когда ребенок занимается спортом, у него формируются определенные паттерны поведения. Он становится способен ко многим вещам, к которым не способен человек, не имеющий спортивной подготовки.

Е.С.: — Маша сама выбрала фехтование?

Р.Г.: — Да, и это тоже важно: нельзя ребенка принуждать к тому, к чему у него душа не лежит. У нас Маша пошла на фигурное катание. Не захотела. Не подошло. Отказалась. Гимнастика — не пошло. В фехтовании прошла три этапа отсева, дождалась, прорвалась. Занимается. Трудно, больно. Садится уже на поперечный шпагат! Еще она ходит два раза в неделю на плавание.Еще у нас есть дочь Стефания, ей 5 лет, и сын Марк, ему 3 года. Оба ходят в школу Монтессори и на плавание, плавают без нарукавников, без кругов, в ластах и очках.

Е.М.: — Как вы относитесь к закаливанию?

Р.Г.: — Гриша с 8 лет вместе со мной купается в проруби зимой. Маша в этом году тоже купалась. Младшие дети подрастут и тоже пойдут. Я дожидаюсь возраста осознанности, когда они внятно и добровольно смогут изъявить свое желание. Ведь прорубь — тоже шоковая вещь. В жизни нужно уметь переступать через страхи, часто воображаемые и преувеличенные.

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МОЖНО СПОРИТЬ,  ДОКАЗЫВАТЬ, КОНКУРИРОВАТЬ

Е.С.: — Что у вас в семье нельзя?

Р.Г.: — В семье нельзя маме грубить, дерзить, обижать младших братьев и сестер. Можно спорить, доказывать, конкурировать, но нельзя обижать, используя физическое превосходство. Нельзя бить, ни при каких обстоятельствах. Нельзя врать открыто и осознанно. Можно исказить, преувеличить или случайно, не разобравшись, сказать, но намеренно обманывать — это запрет. Это не значит, что дети этого не делают, но знают, что это не приветствуется в семье и сильно огорчает родителей.

Е.М.: — По поводу гаджетов есть запреты?

Р.Г.: — Старший сын не злоупотребляет. Он очень увлечен учебой и хобби. Кроме спорта, занимается живописью. Немного играет на приставке «Сони плейстейшен», но я не вижу здесь злоупотребления. Смотрит много правильного кино, читает много хорошей литературы на разных языках. Способен поддержать беседу на разные темы. Маше дали «Айфон» в 7 лет. Практика показала, что она не готова бесконтрольно им пользоваться. Его конфисковали. Младшие дети иногда смотрят мультики на планшете. Но как убийцы времени у нас гаджеты не используются. Мы это исключили. С женой на словах есть контракт о том, что мы не залипаем в телефонах. Дома дети чаще видят в руках у меня и у жены книги, чем телефон.

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ЧУВСТВО ВИНЫ У МЕНЯ ОТСУТСТВУЕТ

Е.С.: — Вы много времени проводите вне дома, вину чувствуете за собой?

Р.Г.: — Примерно 200 ночей в год я провожу в разъездах, приезжаю, как снег на голову. Но чувство вины у меня отсутствует в силу того, что занятость определена моей профессией. Но когда я дома, то посвящаю себя детям. И если я еду в отпуск с детьми, то поверьте, буду сидеть в бассейне, как жаба, с ними, пока жабры не вырастут. Буду прыгать с ними на батутах, кататься на вэйкборде, на слоне буду ездить. Хотя мне это самому до лампочки. Я бы предпочел другой формат отдыха, но поскольку я с детьми, то должен успеть им надоесть, чтобы потом они отпустили меня работать дальше.

Е.М.: — А вы наказываете своих детей?

Р.Г.: — Приходится наказывать. Но поскольку меня долго нет дома, то эти вопросы решает жена. Она часто говорит: «У меня нервный муж». Если что-то выводит меня из себя, мне трудно сдержаться. Меня нужно нейтрализовать, увести в сторону. Жене удается держать баланс. Она более эмоционально стабильна, может взвешенно выработать наказание или предложить ребенку его выбрать. Но по сути, хороший родитель — тот, кому не нужно наказывать. Не потому, что он мягкосердечен, а потому что он предупреждает серьезные проступки ребенка. Одно время мы со старшим сыном практиковали наказания в виде лишения телевизора или гаджетов. Но практика показывает, что ребенок только сильнее хочет потом этих гаджетов, и по сути мы сами страдаем от того, что лишили его радости. Поэтому мы стараемся отделаться беседой. Причем воспитательной, в ходе которой рассказываем о последствиях проступка, почему его не стоит повторять, и о своих чувствах. Это может быть занудно. Конечно, проще дать какое-то наказание, но ведь оно не приближает ребенка к пониманию того, почему так не следует себя вести. Оно только оставляет чувство несправедливости. А вот беседа пояснит суть. Это дольше, зато эффективнее.

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ТЫ ТОРГУЙСЯ СО МНОЙ

Е.С.: — Чему вы учите своих детей?

Р.Г.: —  Мы, может быть, первое поколение, которое с удивлением обнаруживает, что дети компетентнее нас в ряде вопросов. Когда у нас ломается что-то из техники, например Wi-Fi, старший сын решает такие проблемы. Когда мне непонятен язык современного кинематографа, он ставит фильм на паузу и говорит: «Сейчас тебе все объясню». И меня это восторгает и обижает одновременно. Он понимает язык современного искусства, а я отстал и не понимаю! Но скажу больше, меня удивила Маша: она о жизни блогеров знает больше, чем я. Мне вообще непонятно, блогер — это не профессия, на мой взгляд, а в ее понимании блогер — это очень важная штука, и тут она правее меня. Потому что когда меня приглашают на вечеринки, я спрашиваю: «А кто будет?» А мне: «Звезды и блогеры». То есть блогеры прямо приравниваются к звездам. Они влиятельные люди, определяют общественное мнение, они важнее газет, которые читают уже одни пенсионеры. У меня Маша понимает в блогерах, а я нет. Поэтому, что мы можем ребенку рассказать о жизни? Можем рассказать только о вещах, которые, возможно, уже устарели или устареют в короткой перспективе.

Е.С.: — Часто запрещаете что-то детям?

Р.Г.: — Мне часто дети говорят: «Ты мне все равно этого не купишь, зачем же я буду просить?» Я говорю: «А ты попробуй, ты убеди меня в необходимости, ты договорись со мной, ты торгуйся со мной, ты выстави свои условия». Я учу ребенка предприимчивости. Лидер никогда не просит, не клянчит, не требует, он предлагает. А что может предложить ребенок? Спортивные успехи, успехи в учебе, взять на себя часть домашней работы и т.д.  

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ДВА КАПИТАНА

Е.М.: — Как у вас с женой распределены семейные обязанности?

Р.Г.: — У нашей пары есть свой хэштег #дваКапитана. На корабле не может быть двух капитанов, должно быть подчинение кому-то одному. У двоих все равно будет конфликт интересов, но я считаю, что современная семья — это структура, в которой может быть 2 капитана, и власть распределена. Это не похоже на бизнес, не похоже на армию. Семья перестала быть иерархической структурой с вертикальным подчинением, как это было раньше во времена патриархата. Ключевые решения принимаются коллегиально. Решения, в которых нет необходимости погружаться вдвоем, человек может принять и один. Например, куда поехать в отпуск, как провести время, жена полностью решает сама. Она говорит: «На Новый год мы летим на Бали». Она взвесила все данные, зачем ей меня привлекать к этому? Мы вместе приняли ключевое решение отпуска зимой. А детали, когда, куда конкретно, способ перелета, какое снимать жилье и т.д. она полностью выбирает сама.  Но может быть другой вопрос, в котором это недопустимо. Например, купить квартиру, взять ипотеку, переехать. Есть принципиальные вещи, которые нужно решать вместе.

Е.С.: — Есть ли принципиальная разница между тем, как воспитывать мальчиков и девочек?

Р.Г.: — Есть. Для девочек естественнее выговорить свою проблему, избавиться от нее просто за счет проговаривания. Если мальчик станет болтать бесконечно о своих проблемах, он превратится в девочку, из мужчины в тряпку. Для девочки нормально собраться с другими девочками и болтать о чем-то. Когда мальчики садятся и начинают о чем-то болтать, судачить — это, конечно, вызывает отвращение. Они должны быть заняты делом — спортом, игрой, обсуждением чего-то ценного. Им нужно проходить через боль, бороться с другими мальчиками, они должны получать опыт взаимодействия в команде, поэтому я с большим энтузиазмом принимаю идею, когда сын говорит: «Мы с ребятами едем туда-то.» Папина зона ответственности — парни. Парни пойдут с папой в баню, в поход, куда-то, где они проведут время как парни. А вот девочки будут с мамой, чтобы брать с нее пример и перенимать модели женского поведения. Мама учит мудрым отношениям с мужчиной, мудрому отношению к себе самой. Не уверен, что мы делаем все правильно, но мы учимся.

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МОИ ИСТОЧНИКИ ЭНЕРГИИ

Е.М.: — Где черпаете энергию?

Р.Г.: — Главный пауэр-бэнк беспроводной энергии — это дети. Я готов даже разработать способы «детолечения», быстрой реабилитации тяжелобольных, или быстрого восстановления после существенной энергопотери. Детей, как пиявок, нужно поместить на тело, и пусть они там ползают. Их нужно обнимать целовать, сюсюкаться с ними, разговаривать и прочее. Но это работает только с маленькими детьми.

Второй источник — это любовь, главный ядерный реактор, от которого можно подзаряжаться бесконечно. Это возможность физической близости. Я сейчас имею в виду не замаскированное слово «секс», а возможность находиться рядом, в поле друг друга.

Е.С.: — Как совместить это с детьми?

Р.Г.: — К сожалению, это невозможно миксовать с детьми. Нужно находить время на детей и быть с любимыми отдельно от детей. И тут, конечно, я в страшном дефиците. Мы как угодно изворачиваемся: и когда укладываем детей спать, используем возможность побыть вдвоем. Но мало. И конечно, на третьем месте для меня — хобби и время с друзьями.

Е.М.: — А как же спорт?

Р.Г.: — Да, безусловно. Еще взбодриться мне помогает бокс. Чаще раза в неделю не получается. Но я прямо живу ожиданиями следующей тренировки. Единственный человек, который может меня бить — это тренер. И всякий раз, когда я опускаю руку, мне прилетает сбоку или прямой в челюсть, если я забываю уходить в сторону от удара.

Барабаны — мой способ медитации. Ударная установка стоит прямо дома. Как правило, я играю, когда никого нет. Ставлю любимую музыку, аккомпанирую. Еще гольф — очень мощная штука. Многие думают: «А, что там, шарики катают». На самом деле в гольфе есть пружина. Когда играешь в гольф, сжимаешь пружину, а разжимается она в жизни. А в боксе наоборот — разжимаешь пружину во время тренировки, а сжимается она в жизни. Поэтому для разных видов усталости существуют разные виды восстановления.

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Полезные ссылки:

 

 

90000 About Radislav — RADISLAV GANDAPAS 90001 90002 I write all the texts for the website myself, so it’s not easy for me to write about me, but I will try. You’ll also forgive me if I spend a lot of the time blowing my own trumpet — but what else would you expect from a public speaking guru? 90003 90002 When I was a little boy, I wanted to grow up and be a pilot like my dad. He, of course, was overjoyed by this idea and began trying to train my courage: I spent a lot of time hanging upside down on very high monkey bars, jumping over fire and spinning on all kinds of flight simulators.Slowly I became a physically fearless child, but when I had to go up on stage one day to give a short announcement, I was attacked by the worst anxiety that I had ever experienced. It was so strong that not only was I completely frozen on the spot; I could not even get my mouth working to speak! 90003 90002 At that moment I could easily have given up on the idea of ​​speaking in public altogether — but my father had taught me to always try and overcome my fears. And so with maniacal persistence I began to read and read and read — anything I could find on public speaking.I went to endless conferences and listened to numerous lecturers and speakers, not to mention the fact that I took every chance I could to perform myself. Even when I had not been asked, I volunteered. As the years passed, people began to notice my charisma and talent for public speaking, and I started to get requests for help and advice. After another couple of years, public speaking became my profession. 90003 90002 My original training course 90009 The Art of Oratory 2.0 90010 very quickly became hugely popular, and I still hold sessions based on this course for 500 people 10-15 times a year in various countries.My book 90009 The Kama Sutra of Public Speaking 90010 was another bestseller, which has been translated into four languages ​​and is on sale in many countries. The pocket book 90009 101 Tips For Public Speaking 90010 is a quick to use guide that helps thousands of people engaging in public speaking on a daily basis. Today I work with ministers, public figures, presidential candidates, members of the political elite and CEOs of big corporations, and my client list is growing. 90003 90002 Gradually the public speaking world led me to think about leadership in general.I created a number of workshops on that topic as well as writing various books. I have been voted ‘Russia’s Best Coach’ a total of three times. My book 90009 A Leader’s Charisma 90010 won the Ru.net Book of the Year award and was declared the best Russian business book of 2013. 90003 90002 I am very proud of all these achievements and feel incredibly motivated to do more, but my greatest achievement of all would be if all four of my children become successful orators and realized the leadership potential that they most definitely have.90003 90002 90003 .90000 How to flex your «audacity muscle» and overcome anxiety before a public appearance 90001 90002 90% of all people who need to appear before an audience complain about feeling nervous and the inability to overcome those emotions before going on stage. 90003 90002 90005 90003 90002 If we mapped this anxiety onto a graph, we’d see that it grows steadily from the minute you find out about the forthcoming event to its highest point a second before you are due to go on stage. Lots of public speakers report that the anxiety then subsides as soon as you say your first words, and as you get closer to the end a feeling of calm does usually take over — as long as nothing unexpected happens.The problem of course, is that the unexpected often does happen: someone makes a sarcastic comment, or asks an embarrassing question, or maybe the mic malfunctions — at any such moment the tide of adrenalin comes rushing back in and suddenly you’re back in anxiety’s clutches. So what can you do when the unexpected strikes and an attack of the nerves starts to actually impede your performance? It’s really important to get this right, because if the first impression of you is of an anxious, nervous person, it could really get in the way of the message you’re trying to get across to the audience.You’ll never eliminate nerves altogether (and would not necessarily want to) — the key is to take the sting out of the ‘peak anxiety’ moments. 90003 90002 90010 90003 90002 A while back my partners and I used to publish a magazine called «90013 Business Presentation 90014» and one edition was dedicated to overcoming anxiety. We contacted a number of top specialists from therapists and psychiatrists to schoolteachers and businessmen. We asked how they overcame anxiety and the replies ranged from taking calming pills and valerian root to a «take charge» approach of «I do not care that I’m scared, I’m going to be scared no matter what I do, so I’m going to go and speak! » 90015 90016 90003 90002 90003 90020 90015 What is anxiety? 90016 90023 90002 Anxiety is the healthy reaction of a human body and brain to a physical threat or stress factor.Nature very wisely programmed us to be scared when we are faced with danger — and if she had not, then the human race would not have survived, and you would not be sat here reading this today. 90003 90002 90027 90003 90002 First and foremost, anxiety evolved to help us stay safe — and its main way of doing this is by making us inclined towards nervousness and taking precautions to avoid dangerous situations. «Be careful», «go slower», «do not go in there» — these are just some of the messages that the anxiety producing part of our brain fires at us whenever we’re doing something even a little bit risky.Unfortunately, to really hammer the message home, our bodies also go through a whole variety of unpleasant physical effects — sweaty palms, flushed cheeks, racing heart, that sick feeling in the pit of our stomach — and it is these that can cause difficulties for a poor public speaker. 90003 90002 Nature wants us to think that public speaking is a dangerous activity and to a certain extent it’s true. Over the course of many millennia of social evolution, some people have got to the point where they can actually stand alone in front of hundreds of people quite comfortably while explaining and persuading their audience of something.But their natural ‘inner self’ is always in a state of shock at being asked to make themselves so vulnerable to so many potentially hostile strangers at the same time. In effect, from the point of view of our evolved emotional system, which developed over centuries to function as a highly sensitive early warning system — being on stage is like being in an extremely exposed location, with the potential of attack from any direction. Although the rational part of our mind knows we are perfectly safe and that the most threatening thing around us is the fish paste in the lunchtime sandwiches, our emotional mind is not listening — and constant anxiety is the result.90003 90002 As useful as all this is when we actually 90013 are 90014 in a dangerous environment, we need to understand that outside of these situations anxiety can become a serious physical constraint on our lives — and impediment to achieving the success we want. 90003 90002 90003 90020 90015 How to react to stress factors? 90016 90023 90002 The key thing to remember is that although anxiety exists to get us away from danger, by firing a burst of adrenalin that gets us running before the threat has time to ‘get’ us — there is actually always a second option.If a big angry dog ​​is attacking you, you can run away from it — and most people probably will, but you do also have the option of running 90013 towards 90014 the dog and attacking it first … Ultimately, this is the best way to handle stress and anxiety — lean into it, go with it — and do not let it ever put you off your plan to get where you want to. 90003 90002 When you come out on to the stage and see all those people waiting for you to speak, your anxious self could very well lead you to shuffling out with your head down and mumbling «hello … I would … like to … maybe … if that’s OK … share with you what our company has done in the last quarter … «.If that happens, the nerves have already won. So instead, what you need to do is stride purposefully on to the stage as if you own it — and are by far the biggest, most confident and competent person in the room. Your walk is purposeful; your glance at the audience is the satisfied glance of a conqueror, not a shy schoolgirl. Your face expresses kindness and friendliness because a strong and confident person is always friendly. You then greet the audience warmly, articulating every word clearly — knowing as you do that each word is valuable and demands attention.All your willpower and effort should be brought together in creating this impression. I call this: flexing the «audacity muscle.» 90003 90002 90050 90003 90002 After making his film «90013 Shall we Dance? 90014 «, Richard Gere said:» I’m a bad dancer but a good pretender. So it was easy for me to pretend that I could dance. » 90003 90002 This attitude can work for anyone. You might not be the tallest, strongest or most competent and coherent speaker — but you 90013 can always 90014 pretend that you are! And the great miracle if you pretend well enough, is that it starts to be true! 90003 90002 Some people ask me — how can I believe myself while I’m doing this, when I know I’m not really that super confident a person.My answer is always the same: you do not have to believe it, the 90013 public 90014 has to! It’s also important to remember that our anxious tendency also means we usually have a far too pessimistic view of ourselves — so you really do not know how good you can get at this until you try. 90003 90002 90003 90020 90015 Human pleasure — vs — Animal pleasure 90016 90023 90002 Although the human brain is a very, very complex thing, scientific research over the past few decades has revealed more and more about how it works — and one of the most interesting concepts to come out of all this research is the idea of ​​our minds containing two elements which are almost in conflict — the ‘human’ and the ‘animal’.Put very simply, the animal side of our nature focuses on the immediate fulfillment of animal urges and pleasures — food, sleep, warmth, relaxation etc … These are «bodily pleasures» which come effortlessly and are usually achieved in the short term. For example to drink a pint of beer, you only need to raise it to your lips, to eat a cookie you just need to reach into the bag, and to watch TV on a sofa you need not do anything at all, because the remote changes the channels for you. These pleasures are what I call «freebies».On the other hand, there are those fully human pleasures that come 90013 only 90014 when a person faces and overcomes a complex challenge — often after sustained effort over time. The biggest of these challenges of all of course, is to overcome your own animal nature. 90003 90002 By overcoming our inner animal voice, with its «I do not want tos», «I cants», «I’m not going tos» our human side receives a great deal of pleasure. This pleasure comes from obtaining one’s rational goals — from overcoming something that just yesterday seemed undoable, and over time it can be as motivating and addictive as any of the ‘animal’ pleasures.90003 90002 Professional sport is built on this principal — an athlete is told every day that the success he has achieved so far is 90077 not 90078 his limit — he can always do better. He takes pleasure from his accomplishment but is already looking to improve and get to the next one. Investment banking and business are built on this drive too — most of us might think that after making a few million a person would put it all in a bank, quit his job and live stress-free on the interest, but in fact many businessmen and investors always want to go further — expand the business, open new stores etc., Reach another goal. The same goes for writers — it’s very rare to see a novelist write one successful book and then just sit back and live on the proceeds. 90003 90002 When an athlete, writer or businessman realizes that they can not go on being productive at the rate that they used to or that there are no more worlds to conquer, they can start to speak publicly and will again regain the pleasure of overcoming obstacles . 90003 90002 90083 90003 90002 90003 90020 90015 A public performance is a test for your psyche 90016 90023 90002 There is always a natural resistance to doing something out of the ordinary.In my opinion, anyone who can walk out on stage, utter their first words and receive their first applause deserves huge respect for having fought off the siren call of anxiety pulling them away from all that ‘danger’ and enticing them with the safe prospect of staying on the couch with a beer and the TV for company. This person has genuinely started out on a journey of self-improvement, and will make progress with every little step from here on in. Of course, it’s still not going to be easy — and some degree of anxiety will always be present.I am yet to meet a person who when giving a presentation, or a speech at a wedding or a lecture to students felt nothing in the process, no excitement, no panic, no anxiety. That is simply impossible, because speaking publicly 90013 is 90014 a big deal and is not part of our everyday life routine. 90003 90002 The key thing is not to go down the road of suppressing your anxiety or medicating it away to a trance-like state of serenity. Instead, I suggest that you learn to harness that nervous energy and use it to «push the pendulum» from a state of discomfort to a state of excitement.It’s when you do this that you will start to get to the human pleasure of public speaking. I know lots of people who get a huge amount of pleasure out of every public appearance they make. And if they were told that they never had to speak publicly again, they would not be relieved — they would be devastated. 90003 .90000 3 ways to ‘pump up’ your willpower 90001 90002 90003 90004 90002 When I was very young, my mom left on a business trip for a whole week. My father, who I usually did not see much of during the week, now left work early to pick me up from kindergarten every day. We had some very memorable evenings together me and my dad — he cooked me dinner, we watched movies and hockey on TV, talked about all sorts of things long into the night after he had tucked me in and turned the lights off.The theme of these conversations was mostly what it means to be a man. I was very keen to find out if I possessed all those qualities that a man should — strength, kindness, character and this mysterious thing called ‘willpower’. 90004 90002 So my father said to me, «Do you want to find out if you have willpower?» 90004 90002 I replied «Of course I do.» 90004 90002 «OK, go to the kitchen and touch the fridge.» 90004 90002 Puzzled, I answered, «Why?» 90004 90002 «If I told you that, it would be far too easy, would not it?» he said.90004 90002 Thinking it would be really easy anyway; I quickly threw the duvet back and jumped out of bed. It was slightly chilly outside the warm nest of my bed, but I could handle it. I stood up and walked across the bedroom, confidently heading for the door. So far so good — with my dad sitting in my room watching with a smile on his face. But as I turned the handle of my bedroom door and headed into the hallway, I was suddenly faced with a long empty corridor, leading to a living room, with the kitchen in the distance — and all that space shrouded in silent darkness.For a 5 year old, this was suddenly a pretty scary undertaking, especially with my dad still sitting in my room, showing no signs of coming with me …. I was expecting a ghost to jump out at me with every step I took … every sound my feet made on the floor felt like something creeping up behind me, it was very nerve-racking. Finally, I made it through and touched the refrigerator door. That was not the end of my suffering of course — I still had to make it back in one piece … 90004 90002 When I finally jumped into bed and got under the covers, I felt like I had conquered the world.In all seriousness, this first triumph was the sweetest I have ever experienced, and as I figured out much later on in life — it was because it was the first time I had been in competition with myself and won. During the course of my life I have felt this feeling more than once, and it was always willpower that earned me that victory. 90004 90021 90022 No willpower needed to keep on reading … 90023 90024 90002 I think the best metaphor for willpower is muscular. It’s not a body muscle obviously, but something more like a moral-psychological.A physical muscle consists of fibers and when we overload it these fibers tear and so the human body needs time to restore them. That’s why we are warned not to overdo it in the gym. On the plus side, when the body is restored, it actually increases the number of fibers so that the muscle can withstand a slightly higher load in the future. So when the next workout increases the load, and the fibers are torn again, a few more are added in recovery. That’s how human muscle develops strength. 90004 90002 90028 90004 90002 In everyday life of course, we do not need to be using all our muscles at their full potential all the time for tasks such as picking up a newspaper or pouring a well-earned glass of wine for your significant other — but it’s good to have the muscles there for times we do need them.90004 90002 90022 With willpower on the other hand, there 90034 are 90035 challenges we need to overcome every day — that extra chocolate in the box, the voice in your head that tells you to watch TV rather than getting your work finished. So training your willpower really is one of the best uses you can make of your time. 90023 90004 90002 Of course, you may also need it for situations where it can be the deciding factor in big moments in your life like beating a competitor for a promotion or giving that career-changing speech.So try to always keep in mind that the self-control and self-confident efficacy that comes with having willpower are profoundly useful, and profoundly attractive qualities. 90004 90002 90022 In Russian the word ‘will’ has two meanings. 90023 90004 90002 One meaning describes the ability to overcome a difficult situation with power. The second translates as ‘freedom’. 90004 90002 I would say that a person who has willpower extends the boundaries of his personal freedom too. He is able to do things that other people, who do not have the willpower, can not do.90004 90002 90022 I would like to share with you three ways to exercise your willpower and build it up to a level far beyond what you have today. 90023 90004 90002 Just as with any muscular exercise, exercising willpower requires repetition. We begin very slowly with short sessions and a light load, gradually increasing both over time. At these early stages, we do not want an overload or any accidents. 90004 90002 You do have to understand that some of these exercises might seem ridiculous and silly — the best attitude to this is ‘That’s OK, people lifting weights at the gym also look quite silly.’At the end of the day, the only person who matters is the person doing the exercises — if you can see and feel the benefit (which I’m confident you will) you’ll quickly stop worrying about how anything looks. 90004 90002 90034 The exercises that I will be sharing with you have proven to be very successful with the participants in my «SelfMadeMan: Personal management and self-motivation» trainings. 90035 90004 90002 90061 90004 90021 90022 Exercise one. Warm up. 90023 90024 90002 90034 When? — first week of training and on a daily basis afterwards.90035 90004 90002 This is not where the serious training starts, but if you have decided to strengthen your willpower — try to do this warm up exercise every day. Set a reminder on your phone to help you remember to do it. 90004 90002 OK, so throughout the course of the day try to carry out short, fun acts of willpower. Ask yourself — ‘What is the thing I least of all want to do right now?’ Or ‘What can not I be bothered to do today?’ And then go and do them. Get out of a warm bed and put the washing on, or get up from a comfy chair to do twenty sit-ups, or clean up your desk.90004 90002 The other approach that is also very effective is to use willpower to 90034 stop 90035 an enjoyable activity. Start watching an exciting movie and turn it off after the 20 90078 th 90079 minute, or after having tasted a chocolate cake, stop eating it and put it back in the fridge, or at the most crucial moment of a football game — turn it off . In the interests of personal safety however, I do recommend you not to go too far with this — do not leave a piece of your mother in law’s pie on your plate, or turn off a cartoon you were in the middle of watching with your children — that would be a big mistake.90004 90002 This is an easy exercise that can definitely be done with a smile on your face but is also very effective. 90022 90023 90004 90021 90022 Exercise two. Speeding up. 90023 90024 90002 90034 When? — second week of training and on a daily basis afterwards. 90035 90004 90002 The growth of your willpower ‘muscle’ will happen when it’s forced to compete with your survival instinct — the one that makes you averse to any pain or danger. It’s the strongest of all human instincts, so if you can learn to manage it with self-control, you can achieve the highest results.You can of course starve yourself, or deprive yourself of water, or walk on hot coals, but that would be too much and possibly harmful and dangerous. I am suggesting a much more mellow option for your training, that will still get the results you want. 90004 90002 This exercise will not only strengthen your willpower, but is also healthy and will increase your energy levels. Every try lasts no longer than a minute and with time, the duration can be increased. 90004 90002 You will need a stopwatch for this.You have to do this every day for 5-10 minutes. Sit down or stand up (whichever is more comfortable), take a deep breath and stop breathing. Hold your breath until you can not wait any longer, and from that moment on count 5 more seconds and only then allow yourself to breath. Do not worry, you will not faint or develop asphyxia — your brain signals that it is deprived of oxygen well in advance. Try to do this exercise three times in a row and with every try, hold your breath longer. 90004 90002 The next day do the same thing, but hold your breath after you’ve let the air out, instead of letting it in.For the following days, alternate the two approaches and aim for a 3 minute hold in each one. While you’re doing this make sure that all the muscles in your body are relaxed and comfortable. 90004 90002 It might also surprise you to know that one side effect of this exercise can be a state of calm mental equilibrium that will last for a couple of hours. 90004 90021 90022 Exercise three. Stretching. 90023 90024 90002 90034 When? — third week of training and on a daily basis afterwards. 90035 90004 90002 As you’ll have found out if you have tried the previous two exercises, it’s fairly simple to carry out small acts of willpower every now and then.However, to truly get the benefit of willpower, it’s very important to develop the ability to extend your willpower over time — to build habits of self-control that will make your life so much more manageable, and so much more effective in the long run . You start on this by taking control over your local environment. Here’s how you can do it: 90004 90002 In your calendar block off a time for sorting through and tidying up the following spaces: 90004 90115 90116 Your work desk 90117 90116 Your car 90117 90116 Your house 90117 90116 Your papers 90117 90116 Your finances 90117 90116 Your phone / computer 90117 90116 Your wardrobe 90117 90116 Your body 90117 90132 90002 90134 90004 90002 Get rid of anything you do not need and organize everything that’s left — so that it’s tidy and neat.Every single object that you have not used for ages and are not likely to need again adds to a dead weight of information cluttering your brain capacity and draining your willpower resources. 90004 90002 90022 Here’s where you need the long lasting willpower. 90023 Long lasting willpower comes into play with the 90022 next step 90023 of control — you now need to keep up the tidiness levels you’ve just achieved, but 90034 all the time 90035! Once you’re maintaining the habit of keeping your exterior world in an organized, tidy state you can then move on to your ‘inner world’ and: 90004 90115 90116 Organize your deeds / actions 90117 90116 Organize your thoughts 90117 90116 Organize your emotions 90117 90132 90002 The first one is the easiest — before doing something, pause briefly and think: is this the best thing to do right now and should I do it like this? Remember, sometimes a five second pause can save years of regret.90004 90002 The second one is difficult but also manageable and can be learned. Remember how difficult it is 90034 not 90035 to think about a green monkey when someone suggests that image to you. You can free yourself from unpleasant thoughts by doing something engaging and interesting, and this starts with you actively distracting yourself by planting a different more positive image in your head. The same willpower is also at play in the opposite situation, when you actively 90034 want 90035 to concentrate on one particular line of thinking.If you need to give something your utmost concentration like this, make sure you are active in creating a quiet atmosphere that allows you to think, and then you just need to exercise your willpower to stay focused on the 90034 one thing at a time 90035 you choose to think about. 90004 90021 90022 I would also like to draw your attention to an exercise called «willing a good mood». 90023 90024 90002 Start by doing this for two hours, slowly increasing the duration until a full day. During this time you do not allow yourself to complain, whine, sulk or indulge in any other form of negative emotion.Remember that the idea of ​​expressing your negative emotions will somehow «release them» is false and is born out of ignorance. Feeling those emotions and expressing them is the same process. Holding them back is 90034 actually 90035 neutralizing them. Throughout the course of the exercise you will need to maintain this positive outlook. This does not at all mean that you need to walk around with a huge smile on your face, hugging every passer by. It’s perfectly sufficient to just feel this positivity within yourself.90004 90002 I guarantee that during the first week of this exercise, it will not be easy — there’ll be moments when you’ll want to curse at a fellow driver for cutting you up, or shout at the obnoxious person who’s just pushed in front of you at the supermarket checkout, but stick with it — these spontaneous flare ups are not failures, as long as you keep your overall stable good mood. 90004 90002 90022 Of course, these three exercises are not the only ones out there that can build up the willpower muscle, 90023 but I have selected the ones that will very quickly make you feel the results.A lot of other things can also train your willpower such as sports, yoga, meditation, walking the dog, answering thousands of questions from your children, pretending to pay attention at a meeting and so on. 90004 90002 90022 Remember however, that just like any other muscle, willpower is not infallible 90023 and can sometimes misfire. This effect is called aboulia — a momentary lapse of self-control. It often happens for no reason and all you can do is wait for it to pass. However, a lot of the time it happens as a result of overstraining your willpower.So try to plan your willpower acts accordingly and try to do as many as you can in the morning, when you’re not exhausted. With time you will be able to manage your willpower resources the same way you manage the petrol supply in your car. 90004 90002 Having said that, you should always be aware that there are serious enemies of willpower out there and however strong it might be, it can crumble under their attacks. The two most common ones are — stress and alcohol. Those of you who have quit and then begun to smoke again can agree that a lot of the time the breakdown comes during a big party or after an argument with a spouse.So if you have seriously decided to strengthen your willpower avoid these aggressors for at least the first couple of weeks until your will becomes more powerful. 90004 90002 My profession is giving lectures, training and seminars that all involve speaking, so writing for me is a bit of a challenge and not something I genuinely enjoy doing, so I had to really flex my willpower to finish this article for you, because I believe it will help. Every adult does hundreds of things he or she does not want to do every day and it’s harder if we’re not trained for it, just like with physical activity — it’s more difficult if your muscles are not used to exercise every day.So I hope you find these exercises useful and that they will help you on the way to becoming a willpower muscleman. 90004 .90000 Q & A | Radislav Gandapas 90001 90002 90003 90004 Have you always been good at public speaking? 90005 90006 90003 Unfortunately no. I to had to go through a long journey of battling cold feet, sweaty hands and the inability to speak coherently in front of an audience. I must say, my first performances were far from perfect. But I am living proof that by learning the basics of the art of oratorical skill, perseverance, and a lot of practice, public speaking can become a source of pleasure for one’s self as well as the audience.90006 90009 90002 90003 90004 What is your most memorable performance and why? 90005 90006 90003 The most memorable performance that I had was when I allowed myself to improvise. It felt like I let go of the prepared text, floated up off the ground and flew. This was when I was a sergeant in the army and had to represent my division at a big army convention. I can still remember the astonished looks on my friends ‘and commander’s faces.90006 90009 90002 90003 90004 Do you ever get nervous before giving a presentation, and what’s the best way to overcome nerves? 90005 90006 90003 I react to stress the way anybody else would. In my book The Kama Sutra of Public Speaking I present a couple of methods for coping with stress and lowering anxiety levels. But the best way to feel more confident in front of an audience, in my opinion, is thorough preparation beforehand.90006 90009 90002 90003 90004 What’s the link between public speaking and the Kama Sutra? 90005 90006 90003 I’m convinced that anything that a person does, he / she should do with pleasure, and this pleasure comes with skill — the better you get at something the more pleasure you get from doing it. Kama Sutra teaches men and women to get mutual pleasure during intimacy.My book teaches the reader how to achieve ultimate pleasure for themselves and their audience during a public performance. 90006 90009 90002 90003 90004 Which public speakers inspire you? 90005 90006 90003 I have been doing this for quite some time now and have grown to be a very strict judge of people in my field. It’s difficult to impress me. But there are speakers and public figures out there that I admire very much, although my readers might not know some of them: Brian Tracy, Allan Pease, Steve Ballmer, Sir Richard Branson.90006 90009 90002 90003 90004 What is your # 1 top tip for public speaking? 90005 90006 90003 I will be «boring» and say that the quintessential key to a successful performance is meticulous preparation. Only the very skilled and experienced speakers can allow themselves to improvise. My book will teach you how to speak in front of an audience well; the experience is something that you will need to obtain on your own.90006 90009 90002 90009 90002 90009 .